


Un-Break My Heart

by EternalSushine



Category: Bridgerton (TV), Bridgerton Series - Julia Quinn
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Colin Bridgerton Being an Idiot, F/M, Fluff, Love Confessions
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-03
Updated: 2021-03-13
Packaged: 2021-03-15 16:33:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,912
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29811255
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EternalSushine/pseuds/EternalSushine
Summary: Penelope and Colin battle with their emotions and try to find their way together.
Relationships: Colin Bridgerton/Penelope Featherington
Comments: 35
Kudos: 174





	1. Confession

“I love you”.

The silence between Penelope and Colin was thick. She had actually said those three words out loud. And Colin, well he was staring at her without saying a word.

Penelope looked down and sighed. “You don’t have to say it… I know you don’t feel the same. I just… I wanted you to know”, she said and looked up at Colin who was still frozen on the spot.

“Goodbye Colin”, she said and smiled sadly before turning around and walking away in a brisk pace.

The tears started rolling down her cheeks and she ran the rest of the way home once she was out of the Bridgerton garden. She didn’t expect for Colin to just not do anything. He just stood there, like she had grown another head and stayed quiet.

But then again, she knew Colin didn’t love her back. He liked girls like Marina, her cousin. Marina was gorgeous, with her glowing skin and deep eyes full of secrets. And she was girly, in a way that Penelope wasn’t. She didn’t joke around and hang out with Colins siblings. She wasn’t like a sister.

As Penelope reached her room she collapsed against the door and sobbed into her knees. The continuous heartbreak of the last three years was enough. Seeing Colin staring at other girls at balls and courting her cousin last season no matter how disastrous it had been.

The next ball came around and Colin wasn’t there. He had ‘come down with illness’ and was recuperating before leaving for his next tour. Penelope was relieved, honestly. She didn’t dance that night, only watching from the sidelines as people were dancing the waltz or the foxtrot. She loved the viennese waltz, even though she had never danced it with anyone. It was too romantic. Too intimate.

After two weeks the season ended and Penelope was once again left on the shelf. And Colin left a week after that to Spain. 

ONE YEAR LATER

The season was about to begin and Penelope hadn’t exchanged a word with Colin the entire year after telling him about her feelings. She was now 20 and on her third season, watching her elder sisters get more and more desperate for husbands.

Her father had passed away and the new Lord Featherington had been charitable enough to let them stay for the season. Portia was ready to do almost anything to get Philipa and Prudence married off, same with Penelope but definitely not to the same extent. 

Prudence had almost gotten engaged last season but it had fallen through once the chap had laid his eyes on another lady who was a few years younger and a few thousand pounds wealthier. 

Penelope was sitting at the Bridgerton tea table with her best friend Eloise and some of her family like Violet, Daphne and Hyacinth. They were discussing the first Lady Whistledown of the beginning season, abuzz with speculation over who was to marry first within the ton.

Eloise might not want to marry but she definitely enjoyed the rumours and gossip that the season brought with it. Penelope smiled as Eloise was making her case for why she thought that Wilhelmina Smith was to be the first to marry, stating that last season she had already been proposed to but turned the man down. 

Violet pointed out that by that logic she could be the first to marry, but Eloise brushed that off by saying that miss Smith was actually willing to marry unlike her.

The footman came into the room and announced that a carriage had arrived at the house. Everyone looked around at each other. No one was expecting anything nor anyone. Not even Daphne was expecting her husband to come at this time of day.

The group of women waited impatiently for more information, since a lady would not leave the tea for something that could be nothing.

But it sure was something!

The next time the doors opened it wasn’t the footman but the dashing Colin Bridgerton who walked into the room.

“Brother!” Hyacinth called out and soon everyone was rushing to hug him, except for Penelope who laid her gaze on the floor. 

“I missed you all”, Colin smiled and kissed his mothers cheek. He glanced at Penelope and cleared his throat.

“Hello there stranger”, he smiled wryly. 

Penelope stood up and curtsied. “Mr. Bridgerton”, she said softly, earning a confused look from Eloise who knew that Colin and Penelope usually used their first names in family company.

“Did you bring presents?” Hyacinth asked and held onto Colins arm, still being only fourteen. 

Colin smiled and nodded. “I have presents for everyone”, he said. “You just have to wait until they unload the carriage”.

Penelope looked at the happy family reunion and swallowed. “I think I should go. This is a family affair”, she said and hugged Eloise quickly before heading out.

As she got to the front door she felt a hand on her wrist.

“Wait”, she heard Colins voice. 

“I have something for you too”, he said quietly, almost hesitantly.

She turned around to look at Colin who looked a mix between nervous and serious.

“You didn’t have to get me anything Mr. Bridgerton”, she said quickly.

“Penelope”, he said sternly. “To you, it’s Colin. Not Mr. Bridgerton”, he smiled softly.

“Here”, he offered her an envelope. A thick one.

“Please read it when you get home… Don’t burn it”, he said and his tongue wet his lips. “I missed you”.

Penelope blinked and stared at him while holding the envelope in her hands. He had missed her? “I... “, what, she missed him too but should she say it? “I have to go”, she said and turned on her heels and made her way home, not daring to turn to see the look on Colins face.


	2. Across The Sea

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Colin leaves for his tour but can't seem to find enjoyment before a stranger gives him some advice.

“I love you”.

The words rang in Colins ears like sirens as he stared at his dear friend Penelope in disbelief. 

“You don’t have to say it… I know you don’t feel the same. I just… I wanted you to know”, he heard Penelope add after a short while. He could hear her voice shake and he was certain she was on the brink.

“Goodbye Colin”, was the last thing he heard from her before she escaped him.

With his feet stuck to the ground and his mind racing he couldn’t even run after her or tell her to stay. He didn’t know what he could say when someone he held near and dear to him was hurting. Penelope loved him and he didn’t say anything.

There was no doubt in his mind that he had just broken Penelope's heart with his lack of response. He felt like the scum of the earth. 

Looking back at the last few years he felt so blind, so wretched. He had been pursuing Penelope's cousin last season for God’s sake! That must have made her feel horrible, even when Colin now knew his feelings for Marina were nothing but attraction. Not even lust, but boyish attraction.

He couldn’t say he loved Penelope back. He wasn’t in love with her. But he cared about her and never wanted to hurt her. What was he to do now?

As he laid in his bed that night he didn’t think he could face Penelope. It was cowardly, it wasn’t him. Colin had never felt this way, always being charming and having a word of phrase to use in any situation.

The next ball came and he feigned illness, much to his mothers chagrin. He just couldn’t see Penelope right now. Not when he had hurt her and didn’t have the words to apologize.

After three weeks he embarked on his tour of Spain and Portugal, leaving on a ship early in the morning. He gazed at the Featherington estate and sighed. He was leaving with unfinished business, and that didn’t sit well with him. 

The seas were usually calming for Colin, but this time it stirred uneasiness in him. He couldn’t look at the unending blue and see possibility. He could only see waves that crashed against the ship and a deep, dark and watery grave.

His first stop to Bilbao didn’t ease him, only finding himself anxious to return and make things right with Penelope. He wrote home, many times actually. Every time he wanted to write and ask about her, but he couldn’t put the pen to paper to do that. 

It was the last night in Bilbao that the idea struck him. He was getting drunk at a bar with some other tourists and local spaniards. They were talking tall tales about the ladies they had waiting for them at home.

“I have someone waiting for me too”, he slurred, a small smile forming on his lips. “Penelope”, he emphasised the n and the p’s. 

“Is she your missus?” A fellow Brit asked and smirked while the other men drowned themselves in beer and wine.

“No”, Colin frowned and stared at his beer. “I don’t know why she loves me… I’m a coward”, he groaned.

“You’re a traveler, an adventurer! That kind of man is no coward!” Another man exclaimed.

“But I am a coward! She told me how she felt and I just… I just stood there. I was a prick. I broke her heart”, he frowned even deeper.

An old spaniard hummed and patted his back. “Boy, you may be a coward but you don’t have to stay that way”, he said.

Colin raised his head to look the mans way. “What are you suggesting?”

“Do you care for her?” He asked, earning a nod from Colin.

“Does knowing that she’s sad make you feel bad?” Another nod from Colin.

“Would you do anything to make it up to her?” Yet another nod.

“Then write to her! Tell her just that. Tell her you care about her, that you feel like shit and that you would do anything to make her hurt less”, the man smiled and downed more wine.

Colin stared into the blank nothingness and a smile graced his face. Maybe he could do that! Maybe the situation wasn’t as fraught as he thought. 

That night he wrote the first draft of his apology, letters squiggly and heavy with ink. In the morning he could not make sense of his writings and he scrapped the paper and started anew.

As his travels continued, from Bilbao to Pamplona to Zaragoza and so on, he found himself writing to Penelope. Writing about what he saw, ate, smelled, heard and felt. His apology letter became longer and longer. More like a journal that was addressed to someone else. A collection of letters maybe?

He knew he couldn’t send the letter to her so soon. Penelope might be a smart woman but he did cause her pain and it wouldn’t be too surprising if she put his letters into the fire as soon as they landed in her hands. He needed her to read them. The feeling was something he couldn’t put a name on, but if he had to guess? Desperation? Maybe hope?

Writing to Penelope made him more determined to enjoy himself. He didn’t want his letters to be filled with dread if they were to make her feel joy. The joy of travelling, even as a lady who was expected to stay home at least until she was married.

Colin began to see parts of her in some of the most random places and things. Flowers could remind him of her dresses, people dancing reminded him of their shared dances. When he settled next to a fire on a beach in Barcelona he found himself reminded of her warmth and kindness. 

Six months went by and he had travelled through the coasts of Spain, headed for the last three months in Portugal. He was to make it back home for the season after all, or else his mother may have his head on a platter. 

The envelope that held his words to Penelope was starting to not fit any more paper as he was nearing the end of his tour. 

It was time to go home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heyyyy! These chapters will be happening somewhat simultaneously, but I hope to keep the timeline understandable. In any case, if anyone with previous beta experience would like to beta for this, it would be very much appreciated. You can contact me on tumblr, @varikasnuori :) 
> 
> Looking forward to feedback, I love reading your comments!


	3. Dearest Penelope Featherington

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Penelope finds out what's in the envelope.

Penelope stared at the thick envelope that laid on her desk.

So many questions filled her head. Had he forgotten about what she said? Why did he miss her? What did this all mean? This envelope could have anything inside. They could be filled with words of endearment, or they could be words that squash any hope for a romantic future with Colin Bridgerton. 

She swallowed thickly and opened the envelope. Inside was a bunch of paper, with writings on it. On both sides, she noticed. That was something that people didn’t do because the ink took a while to dry. Colin must have taken his time.

She didn’t know where to start. There were so many papers and seemingly no logic behind how they were placed in the envelope. “So much for taking his time”, she thought out loud.

Penelope inspected the papers, noting that Colin had rather lovely handwriting. She didn’t pay attention to what the papers said, however. She was looking for a clue as to where to begin. 

She noticed that some of them bared dates on the top corner of the parchment and she started to look over them all. She found the earliest date and with shaking hands she started reading.

“Dearest Penelope Featherington,

I fear I have caused you a great deal of heartbreak. For that I am forever sorry. That night in my mothers rose garden, you took me by surprise. I never thought you’d find yourself in love with me. I’ve been blind to your affections, and I apologize for that. I feel terribly, horribly, scarily wretched. You must know Penelope, that I care for you. You are a friend to me, one that I hold close and dear. I would never wish to cause you harm or pain. I can only imagine what I put you through earlier, when I couldn’t find the courage to speak up. To be completely honest I did not have any idea as to what to say to your confession. I still struggle to put my thoughts into words that will reach you. I’ll surely be making this up to you for the rest of my life. My only hope is that you will find it in yourself to forgive me and that you’ll be happy. You will find someone that will love you fervently, assuredly, loudly. Someone that will not hesitate when you tell then you love them. Someone who is not a boy, but a man. Once more, Penelope, I am sorry.

Your friend,

Colin Bridgerton.”

Penelope's eyes misted with tears as she finished reading the first letter. She had never felt so thoroughly rejected. She was a friend to the man she loved. A man who talked a great deal about her finding love in someone else. 

He felt sorry for her. She was certain the other letters would just prove how platonic his feelings were for her. She couldn’t put herself through the pain of reading whatever it is that was in those letters. But she could not bring herself to get rid of them either.

She locked the rest of the letters in her nightstand, where they would unmistakably haunt her every waking hour and find their way into her nightmares. 

Surely she would be able to avoid the man for the season. He would leave again and maybe she could get over him and do as he himself had suggested. 

Find a man that will love her.

Even the thought of ever loving anyone but Colin made her stomach turn, it felt like a punch in the gut, a thought so miserable that she knew it would never happen. But you can’t blame her for trying.

Colin would never love her. Not like she loves him.

Her mother could have told her a million times that her love was unrequited and that she should not bother with romance at all. Marriage wasn’t about love, not to her parents anyway. Portia had never once said she loved her husband. Neither had she said she loved her children. 

Penelope knew that somewhere deep inside her mother was a heart that cared for her family. There were moments when Portia could be caring and nurturing. And she did honestly want what’s best for her children, even if they didn’t agree what that best thing was most of the time.

Marina had told her that her love was an unrequited fantasy. And though she did believe it, she also held out hope that things would change. She still felt awful about what she had done to Marina, exposing her pregnancy like that. To the whole ton. It had ruined her entire family and Marina especially. 

She had written to Marina a few times, but did not receive any response. She knew she deserved it. But she didn’t regret saving Colin from entrapment. Even if she wasn’t to marry for love, Colin should be able to marry someone honest. Someone who wouldn’t use them to hide their secrets.

Reading Colin's letter of apology, or at least the very beginning of it, had brought up too many negative emotions. She couldn’t imagine reading the rest and feeling like she had come out of it unscathed. She wondered what Colin was thinking. 

Maybe he wasn’t thinking at all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First I would like to thank my team of Betas who have been a great help with this chapter and the next ones to come!   
> My great, amazing, clever betas are sofisanchez on tumblr, noveltyromance on Ao3 and nothing-in-specific on tumblr! I am very lucky to get their opinion, expertise and extra eyes to keep my story on track.
> 
> I love reading your comments, they bring me so much joy :) Sharing this story with all you fellow Polin stans is so fun and rewarding. So please, keep the comments coming!

**Author's Note:**

> So... What do you think? I'm dipping my toe in the multi chapter pond with this one! Any feed back is welcomed.
> 
> Fun fact! I've done some ballroom dancing at school, since in Finland we have this formal dance our second year of high school and we also had dances in my elementary and middle schools. I adore dancing and could not tell you if I prefer latin or standard. 
> 
> I will hopefully update this as I write, but I am also a university student with papers due and research articles to read. I wish all of you luck and health!


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